In a realm full of magic and evil, there was a tiny ass apartment. In this tiny ass apartment lived three of the most noblest heroes in the realm.
Arroway Songsteel, the realm’s chillest, most badass Paladin. He is so chill and badass that the chill n’ badass gods awarded him with the most badass sword. The Fender Telecaster.
Frutumal Blessumal, the greatest wizard of all time. He’s so great, he has been inducted into the Wizard Hall of Fame at least three times. Mostly because there really aren’t many wizards in this world and they need to induct someone every year. He also knows every spell that was ever discovered and created. Or he used to. He accidentally cursed himself with an amnesia spell. He’s not so great now that I think about it and the Wizard Hall of Fame now seem like a bunch of idiots that don’t know what they’re talking about.
Finally, and certainly least, Dwayne. Dwayne the Elf. He doesn’t do much. Makes tea that is out of this world though. Literally. He witnessed an alien ship that crashed once and the alien made sure to pass on the amazing tea recipe of his people.
The noble heroes were chillin’ in their shitty apartment when suddenly they heard loud knocking on their door. It was their dickhead landlord wanting his money. “YO ASSHOLES, THE RENT IS DUE!” the little shit landlord yelled. “YOU EITHER PAY UP RIGHT NOW OR I’M KICKING YOU SHITS OUT!” He wasn’t always a dick to them. In fact, he used to be very nice. That is until Arroway accidentally dropped his pants and fucked his wife. Accidentally. He would’ve kicked them out, but the dude needs his money.
"Oh shit. I spent all money last night on hookers n’ blow." said Arroway calmly because it’s hookers n’ blow. "Hey Frutumal, would you mind paying my half and I’ll pay double next money?" said Arroway. "This is BULLSHIT!" yelled Frutumal. "Come on, man. It was hookers n’ blow." said Arroway as he slowly shrugged and nodded his head. "Not you, dipshit! This Harry Potter book is a load of horse shit! It’s portraying us wizards terribly! We don’t fuckin’ ride BROOMSTICKS!"
Dwayne was about to open the door, but they heard a loud scream outside. After five seconds of silence, the door exploded and the landlord’s head rolled in out of the dark smoke. “HOLY SHIT!” screamed Dwayne. “Oh. Forget the rent, Frutumal.” said Arroway. “These kids are casting level 50 spells when they’re barely level 5, the fuck is this shit?!” said Frutumal angrily, still furious about the Harry Potter books.
Then an army of Dark Elves charged in led by the mighty lizardman, Mop McMiller. Mop used to be a Dark Elf, but he cast a Dark Elf spell to turn himself into a dragon once. However, he fucked up, only turning himself into a lizardman and he can’t turn back, because only Dark Elves can cast Dark Elf magic. He’s pretty butthurt about that.
"WHEN I KILL YOU HONKEYS, NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM RULING THIS REALM!" said Mop proudly. "DARK ELVES! ATTACK!" And so an epic battle began. Arroway withdrew his badass Telecaster and started shredding and slicing everyone’s shit. He started playing the most epic 30 minute guitar solo, which paralyzed all the Dark Elves because they can’t stand the power of Metal, for they are Dark Elves and as we all know, Dark Elves only listen to the hippity-hop.
Even with the hundred paralyzed Dark Elves, the army kept growing and surrounded the noble ones. “WAIT!” said Frutumal. “I just remembered a spell that would let me summon a black hole that will only kill all Elves! Yes, I know, it’s a pretty racist spell, but shit sounds pretty good right now!” “What the fuck, what about ME?!” yelled Dwayne. “NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU!” screamed Frutumal as he proceeded to cast the spell. His amnesia kicked in and he forgot how the black hole spell. He ended up summoning a Spelling Bee, which replaced the A in Dark with an O, changing all the Dark Elves into Dork Elves. They started growing glasses and braces out of their skulls and teeth, then proceeded to leave the tiny apartment to play dungeons n’ dragons. Literal dungeons n’ dragons. “What a bunch of fuckin’ dorks.” said Arroway. “FINE, I DON’T NEED YOU FUCKERS!” screamed Mop, furious with the Dork Elves. “One on one, Arroway! Me and you! I’ll fuck your shit up”
As they were in the middle of their two hour stare down, Dwayne slipped on one of the dead Dark Elf bodies and dropped the tea he was carrying on Mop. “OH YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHI- DAMN, that’s some good ass tea!” said Mop. “Damn, I forgot why I wanted to kill you fools. I guess I just got mad and wanted to take my anger on someone because Harry Potter was so offensive to read.” explained Mop. “I KNOW, RIGHT?!” screamed Frutumal. Then these four just chilled, ranting about Harry Potter on all the dead bodies in that tiny ass apartment.
Everything on my Tumblr has been deleted. Time to start a new.
Goodbye, Wordpress. You fuckin’ shit.